My friend was crying & screaming because she got passed up for a promotion that she worked hard for & that she honestly deserved. Although I sympathized with her & she was truly distraught I didn’t understand why she was so upset…. In her anger at my lack of understanding she said “Oh what the hell do you know, you never had a good life, you’ve been let down & backstabbed by everyone you have ever trusted & you’ve learned to expect to be let down”
Ya & so what’s your point?
I let her say what she said in her anger & just simply said “I still love you & we both know you deserved the promotion but you may do well to realize that you don’t always get what you want or deserve, life is like that sometimes.”
That got me to thinking about me, about my life, about who I am & how I approach life. She was right to a point, but also more wrong then she could have ever known. I still have a very gentle loving soul, & I still want to believe that people are good, that there can be joy in life. For every 10 times I have been hurt, let down or backstabbed, there is that ONE time when I find a person to believe in, when I find out that my trust was well placed. In my mind that makes it all worth it.
People that I have shared my childhood with have always lamented about how horrible it was & it was, but it also made me who I am, & I truly honestly love myself, a very rare thing in this world today. I have not always been successful or right but I have always gotten back up on my feet & tried again, I have never let life beat me. I get depressed, even suicidal, just recently because of all of this crap with the Everett Animal Control, & my dogs I was hospitalized for trying to drive myself off a cliff: as my foot was bearing down on the gas pedal all of a sudden a screaming thought came into my head: If you do this they will win. I hit the brakes & called my husband because there is also the matter of my 7 children & 10 grandchildren, the kids are grown & on their own but the funny thing is they still need me, the grand kids have so much to learn, & I still have so much more to accomplish in life.
In order to survive I developed certain coping mechanisms, little did I know I would need them to survive my adulthood. I honestly believe I would be a horrible person if I had not developed those coping skills & outlook on life. I am very proud of who I have become, of what I have done for my children, & for other people & animals. I have made lots of mistakes but I have always learned from them & moved on, I don’t do everything right but I do try to do it better the next time.
Yes I have horrid dark thoughts, I have days I want to give up & die but I’m still here & yes there are days I am pissed about it, there are days when I wish I didn’t have the life I had but I did & no amount of want or wishes can change it. I have been royally screwed over, my animals are now being held hostage by a bunch of people who’s ONLY power is to hold them.They even tried to act like they wanted to give them back, if you all remember they gave me an offer to return them if I would drop my tort claim, but the conditions they put down would’ve never have gotten them back to me & I would’ve lost any chance I had at getting any retribution. They have had 15 months to do the right thing & give them back to me, & dismiss all this stupid crap but their little egos just won’t let them. Honestly I think they have killed most of my animals or most of them which is why they have to put up this wall of bullcrap…. I live with that every day, there is NO WAY I can walk away from this now, no way in hell.
Yes it breaks my heart, yes it is not fair, it is not right, but it is what it is. The one institution I trusted & had faith in, the courts: I found out they were corrupt, okay, not good but I was also raised by the likes of Dave Riechart, Gene Doeman, Ken Conder, Larry Gross, Jack Meduna, Marylin Brenneman, & so many other detectives, judges & prosecutors who ARE good, who are honest, who are NOT corrupt. I had counselors like Bill Camp, Probation officers like Mr Bates, most of the Seattle Vice Squad , & Green River Task force up my butt around the corner & to the left as a teen keeping me in line, & on occasion kicking my butt & handing it to me. I have always had people in my life to look up to, my hero as a young adult was Alva Long, now he was a renegade if ever there was one. If he was still alive I guarantee the City of Everett would be one hurting unit, I would’ve had my animals back that day & we’d be in Federal Court right now kicking their asses… but the Alva Longs in this world are few & far between, there are not many people who are willing to fight for what is right, there are not hardly any people who will go against the crowd & stand up for the truth, that is the sad reality.Most people are too afraid to even do the right thing…
People can say whatever the hell they like about Dave Riechart the Congressman but I know him as a human being, as a cop, as a person. He, McMillan, Jensen, Meduna, Doeman, & a few others are the ONLY people who cared when those girls were coming up missing, they were the only one’s who even noticed. If it wasn’t for them Gary Ridgeway would still be killing at will.
I remember when I used to hitchhike everywhere, pretty much hitchhiked around the country, one day I caught a ride with a guy in a VW & I was so stupid, this old man is asking me for a “date”, now why the hell would I want to “date” someone as old as my grandpa? Right about the time I was trying to explain to the guy about how I felt our age difference was a big no no for me Jack Meduna was on motorcycle patrol, he pulled us over & he was just screaming at me about hitchhiking & the guy was about to piss himself when I said well geez I was just trying to get a ride & I’ve got you yelling at me & this guy who’s old enough to fart dust asking me if I want to date him, forget you both & I started walking. He pulled up next to me & explained what a “date” was & all kinds of other things & gave me bus fare & told me to quit hitchhiking. I never did again after that.
Shortly thereafter Guenter Mannhalt took me in at the Donut Shop downtown, I worked, went to school, got into fights, believe it or not they used to call me “Joe Lewis” I was a very good fighter, because of the rage I had inside of me, then I went into a foster home once Guenter was locked up with 3 to 4 gay men depending on who was in town. They got me through school, & taught me how to be a good human being.
I have also had to deal with the likes of my step-father, George Freeman, from the infamous Monostary a nightclub of horrors that he used to lure young boys & abuse them & then to have to find out that the infamous strip club owner was my grandfather’s cousin, so my “Uncle”… I accidentally got the leader of the Jamaican Posse released from Federal Prison, my family married me off to a guy who was 20 yrs older than me & to get them “back” I married the biggest loser American Samoa has ever produced who ended up getting my house, all my money & everything I owned taken away including my kids for a little while because he didn’t pay his taxes to the IRS & he had about 10 other women he was sleeping with calling CPS on me pretty much every day, I got my kids back once I proved the truth, but never got anything else back, but I got what mattered!
I have had my back broken twice I was paralyzed the first time & I was also fighting cancer, I have lost a baby when he was young, I lost my twin at 11 yrs of age, & lost my real father 15 yrs ago, (but at least I found him & got close to him) I was almost murdered 12 yrs ago & literally had to have my whole face reconstructed, & I had a stroke at 40 yrs of age… Just to name some of the trials I have faced head on & overcome.
It all comes down to this: Kids who were abused growing up learn to cope in many ways, the one’s who are successful & don’t end up dead, on drugs or behind bars are the one’s who are the most equipped to deal with life, even the ones who end up on drugs or in prison have infinitely more tools to cope & succeed than a kid who’s life has been relatively easy.
You screw with the bull & you’re going to get the horns when you screw with a childhood abuse survivor, they survived much worse then most people can ever imagine. A child who has survived night after night of fear & terror, who has learned how to negotiate around someone who is unpredictable at best, & can still go out in the world & put on a smile, yeah… There’s not much you can throw their way & put a dent in them, they’re already dented. Even if they occasionally lose a battle they are sure to win the war